25. Ghosts, Orbits, & Shiny Object Syndrome | Valerie Della Longa Part 3

Part 3 of my chat with Valerie Della Longa who is an avid world solo traveler and cat mom with a zest for life! She loves listening to podcasts or watching the Great British Bake Off while sipping herbal tea. Oftentimes, she enjoys going on dates and shrugging off the "ghosts" she encounters along the way!
See Valerie's modeling IG @valerie_della_longa

Special thanks to my AMAZING friend Michelle for her part in producing this episode.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Roxxi: So, Valerie, are you single?

[00:00:14] Valerie: I should've switched to my glass of wine instead of tea. Yes, I am single and I'm super happy. I'm super happy being single. I am dating, but I'm also single if that makes sense. 

[00:00:26] Roxxi: Have you dated throughout COVID. 

[00:00:29] Valerie: Yeah. So that's been interesting. So I think even before COVID it was hard to meet people, I think, cause everyone gets super busy.

And so adding in my daily routine too, I was working remotely. Then I was teaching at yoga studios. So there's really no. Traction with the opposite sex, really? Because, I mean, obviously yoga studios was mostly moms and stuff, so yeah, I think it's a great way to connect with people. And then from there, it's just kind of as you take it and what that is. But I think when COVID happened, it got that much harder. A) cause I mean, who wants to take you out. Cause it was oh, like "want to play video games in like my like garage" and I'm like, no, like. I'm not joking. These are all like the things I've seen on some profiles. I'm not judging.

I am judging a little bit because I'm sure some girls have some interesting things on their profiles too, but yeah, sometimes I'm just like, no but it, it made it a lot harder, I will say because A) you know, everyone has to be super cautious and then you like get to the date everyone like has the mask on like the big reveal, like what he's actually looks like.

I dated some catfishes that are like, they have like some pictures on their profile. I'm like this was six years old or like, like height's not everything by any means, but don't put like six -two on your profile and then I show up and then you're five 11 in cowboy boots and I'm like, it just sets the bad tone. So you're dishonest or like lie about your age.

I'm starting off with negatives. I met some great people on the apps. I really have back to COVID dating. I think I, I think all of us stopped for a while, and then they introduced like video dating, which was kind of weird, just like a weird to like Skype someone who you've never even met before. Cause like when you go out to a restaurant or wherever, they there's like, you know, interruptions, like waiter brings you your food or like go to the bathroom.

But like as far as like just sitting, staring at a screen with someone you don't know, trying to like judge everything. I think I had one of those. It was, it was awkward. And then I never heard from him again. So yeah, no, that's cool. I just happens. But yeah, to answer your question, I have been, I've had a lot of, I guess dating experience throughout the, throughout the years. 

[00:02:32] Roxxi: Are there times where they're attractive when they have mask face and then when they remove mask face, you're astonished by it how different they look? 

[00:02:41] Valerie: Astonished is a strong word no, and it's kind of hard to tell.

Just with the eyes, like what they look like. And then now it's like now on the, on, on their profile says if their vaxed you can put if you're vaxed or not. But I haven't really come across that usually they're they, like, I can tell what they look like from the pictures, but sometimes I'm just like, okay.

Yeah. But you know, guys just, don't always, guys just don't take good pictures. That's just like a thing, you know, or they don't take any pictures at all of themselves. And that's why their profiles are so. Not bad, outdated, or just like, you know, not, not really filled out. I think that's one of the things I look for when you kinda get into that later, everyone's different.

It's like, if you didn't put effort into your profile, like you didn't put anything in your bio, are you gonna fill the prompts? It's like, you're just showing you're not really, like taking this seriously. And I guess everyone has different reasons for being on there, but you really you get a little bit of everything.

And it's quite interesting, quite interesting. 

[00:03:37] Roxxi: Got plenty of those guys in cowboy boots, huh?. They are in Houston. 

[00:03:42] Valerie: See, I think you've heard me - complain's a strong word. I think I'm doing like, I guess atypical as far as like a typical like Texas girl. Like, I mean, I do, I went to A and M I have cowgirl boots.

I love two stepping and stuff, but I feel like a lot of the guys on there are similar, and this is not just me. I've given my app to my phone, to my like married friends and like they're all the same guy. Like, because they have very similar answers to their prompts. Like I'm overly competitive about everything.

" What I order at the table" was like, you know, "margaritas and queso" and stuff like that. So they think they, they follow similar trends or my, my favorite quote, unquote, favorite. I'll introduce you to my family if like my dog likes you. Which to me it's like, I'm trying to get like, you know, date you, not your dog.

Not really like into that whole beastiality thing, but some guys are very, very attached to their dog, which is like fine. But I think they're looking for more of a dog mom than a partner. And some guys will say that, like, I'm looking for a dog, mom, I'm a cat person. And like, so that doesn't always like go well together.

But some guys understanding there's a lot. Yeah. A lot of what I just described. Pretty much the typical guy you'll see in Houston on the apps. Yeah. 

[00:04:53] Roxxi: So do you just swipe left on the ones that say I'm looking for a dog, mom? 

[00:04:57] Valerie: Automatic, automatic dog, mom. Anything about like, you know, you have to, you have to get my dogs approval in order for me to like, go on a date with you.

Like, or like there's some, we just had a you and I just had a conversation about vegan. They're like, oh, vegans are weird. I'm like, okay, well I'm not vegan anymore, but that's kind of a harsh judgment, you know, so if it just like rubs me the wrong way, but I think I've just gotten to a point where like, I'm like, I'm really, I have a lot going on.

Like I'm, I'm having my full-time job and I am starting my own business. So like, I don't want to, I don't need your free meal ticket. Like, I'm a great chef. I, you know, I don't need anyone to pay for me anything, but I want like that companionship and that partnership. But yeah, so I obviously, I don't have like types of ways that people don't see any potential with, and I'm not looking to fill.

A dog mom boy, it's not it's not one of the jobs I want.

[00:05:47] Roxxi: Also swipe left on anyone that's holding a fish.

[00:05:50] Valerie: Oh dear God. They get one, one I used to, I used to allow zero one fish picture, like, because they're so proud of it. But if it's like, if it's like also a, there's like a hunters, which is fine. Like my family hunts like that doesn't like bother me, but like all your pictures are bloody animals.

Like, that's not like attractive to me. Yeah exactly. 

[00:06:09] Roxxi: Like those are 

the pictures you choose to use for your dating profile. Like out of all the pictures, here's what you choose. 

[00:06:15] Valerie: Here's me holding deer antlers. And you could see the blood like drawing out, like wanna no, and then like if they have like multiple fishing, hunting pictures and dog pics.

No. And that's nothing wrong with them. That's fine. I'm sure there are those girls out there, but like that's not, it's not what I'm attracted to. And then a lot of them, what else was going to say? Yeah, the overly competitive about everything. That's what they always say, which is fine, you know, that's, that's good.

But yeah, the fish pic the hunting pic the all the things like, oh yeah. Like, or like you should, one of them is like I want someone who's going to watch sports with me again. It's like, you're looking for like a partner or like yourself with like a lot of guys they'll they like, which is like understand.

They want someone with similar to them, but they're asking for a lot of traits that I think that are similar in themselves versus that they want like a partner when to compliment them. So I don't know, but like every, I mean, everyone's different. So someone, you may talk to someone else tomorrow and have a complete different perspective than I do, but they're very similar.

[00:07:10] Roxxi: I mean are you writing requirements? Like you have to like my cat and do yoga with me. 

[00:07:15] Valerie: See. No, my cat's not even on that profile because everything's, so here's the double standard. I think that you're a crazy cat lady. If you're single and, you know, approaching your thirties or whatever when you have a dog it's like fine.

So my cats aren't even on there. But no, I mean, I said that, like I put it on there that I am a yoga teacher. And I think a lot of people, I get a lot of good responses from that. Some not appropriate to respond to those. Like really it's like, come on, like this isn't my sport. But anyway but no, I, I mean, I would never like require someone to do yoga with me if they want to.

That's awesome. I think I want someone who's open to trying different forms of fitness and that like takes care of themselves. I have that when they're like, they like, like, like I want someone like prioritizes health. Like I do, like in that way I want. I think people do want some people who like that share similar values.

 So not saying you have to do yoga, but yeah. Like move your body around, throw a ball, do something, something there like, you know, not just, not just play video games all day, which is what some people do 

[00:08:15] Roxxi: You want to come over, play video games and pet my cat?

What are some, oh, some weird responses you've gotten about them seeing that you're a yoga instructor. 

[00:08:28] Valerie: Just making like sexual, like, like, oh, like I'm on, I'm not even gonna say that one was, that's not appropriate, but but some other ones I would say are more like, oh, like, you need to teach me how to do yoga.

I get that a lot. Or like, oh, I'm so inflexible. So some are like, a lot of guys are pretty cool. And like, they're trying to like, I guess, like ask more about it. But like if they making like a dirty joke out of like a yoga pose, it's like, Are you trying who you were trying to impress? You know, it's, it's a very first impression that I get.

And so I'll usually just, you know, swipe left or whatever it is. I'm not on Tinder. I tried that like for two weeks. I hated it. It was, it was, I mean, my one friend met her husband on Tinder and they're both great people, but it's kind of finding a needle in a haystack. So I choose not to go down that route. 

[00:09:12] Roxxi: Yikes.

Yeah, I definitely don't want to spread yourself too thin and go on multiple dates. Have you gone on multiple dates in one day? 

[00:09:19] Valerie: I went, 

it was actually a fun. That was exhilarating. I had two days in one day. So, which I guess that says a lot for me. Cause I'm like, oh, like once a week, but actually like I might do, I would say I do get asked out a fair amount, but I said, I'm very careful about who I say yes to now.

I think I've learned to filter a lot of people out, but yeah, I had a lunch date with one guy he did not go well. And that's also the thing is like, I'm always like apprehensive about getting dinner on a first day. Cause like, A) if it's like, if it doesn't like, if you're not clicking, you're kind of stuck there for like two hours, you know?

And I remember we got like, he took me to a nice place, made me feel like a little uncomfortable. It's like, it's just a first date, we could've just grabbed coffee, or be fine. But yeah, but it was like a nice restaurant and like, that was the thing I just wanted to leave. And like, it just wasn't like clicking and then he's like the server like, oh, you want another course.

So he ended up having like four courses between like the salad and the entree and like the cappuccino and the dessert. I'm like, dear God, like I just want to but and then, you know, probably should excuse myself early or something, but then that night I got a drink with a guy and it turned out that was a really fun date.

So my one friend actually, she's like one of the dating experts that I know, and she. We went, she was like, yeah, for like a month or two, I didn't grocery shop at all. I just would go on a lunch date and do a date every single day. That to me sounds exhausting. I'm like don't you like work, but she doesn't know I have a lunch break.

So she, she swung that. And I think that, that, that's all you had to do. You could, you could go on multiple dates a day, but I found it like kind of exhilarating, but like exhausting. I don't really like talking to multiple people at the same time. It's also why I go through periods like after like a breakup or whatever, I just like, I will delete the app.

So just cause I need a break. Cause it, and talking to some guys about it too, it does get exhausting when you're constantly having multiple conversations with different people. And then, you know, you just kind of lose track and like just nothing's like, really your heart's not really in it. I think that's what you kind of have to ask yourself.

Like, if it feels more like a chore, like I'll have to get on and respond to these people versus like, oh, I'm excited to like respond back to him or her, like, whatever. Like people, I think it's okay for people guys and girls to just take a break whenever, whenever they need it. 

[00:11:17] Roxxi: Yeah, I 

guess, how do you deal with, I guess, that initial excitement of starting a relationship or meeting someone for the first time and then being ultimately disappointed at the end? 

[00:11:28] Valerie: That's been a lot of trial and error and I've come a long way with that.

Cause like, first of like, oh my God, we have this, this, this in common, like boom, married, done off the app. No like a first date people, people do put on their best show. Right? You know, everyone does, everyone should have the best qualities. And then I only think you really get to know a person until, I don't know.

I mean, maybe you could tell that they were even married for so long say over a year, but I think just leading up to the first date now, my approach is like, it's like, it's literally just the first date, like before I was like, you know, I'm super, I mean, I still get excited, but I, I don't get nervous anymore just because it's, I've had a lot of practice.

Basically give myself a little pep talk, like listen to like Lizzo, like get myself all pumped up and stuff like "Val you're like a bad bitch", which I am. But like, I think it's, it's exciting. It's I think in every stage of the relationship, the talking, and then one of the guys I dated for a couple months we were just always excited to see each other.

We like never fought. And then like in the end he wasn't like ready to commit to a relationship. And so, but he was like upfront and he told me and that, you know, it, it definitely stung, but I think both cases guys and girls will ghost now and that's like, that's like, I mean, that's just, that's just the nature of dating in 2020, whatever it is.

Yeah. People won't tell you if they don't want to end it. So, because I've been ghosted so many times, I literally just don't have any expectations. Like just knowing that I'm going to go on, or I had a great date tonight, but that doesn't mean anything. Like, that sounds kind of sad, but I just too many times it's happened where like guys have like promised me things or like said certain things and then like, I never hear from them again.

So after you go through so many of those, it is, yeah, it's tough. And I'm like talking to you. My other best friend has been in long-term relationship. She had, I can imagine going through all that, like rollercoaster of emotions and just like, yeah, it is tough. And then it's like, then you got to start over.

But I think just like having been through that experience, you really just go in with no expectations and disappointment comes from having expectations. So now it's like, I just want a really good date recently. And like, you know, I'm like, well, I hope. see him again, but if not, at least it was a good date.

And I was kind of coming out of a, I don't what to call it ending of a situationship. Cause it's like break up indicates there was a relationship and most. A lot of guys don't want a relationship these days. I would say the majority do not, at least in my experience. So just go in really open-minded and then I just really look forward to knowing a person.

And even if it's not like a match, like I always like enjoy talking to new people and like learning their stories, getting a new podcast tip, like there's always something to be learned I feel like. 

[00:14:01] Roxxi: That's a good outlook on it. Definitely. And not really just thing solely focused on this is it. This is a relationship.  This has to work and more so just a, well, maybe a friendship will come out of this or maybe they'll give me a new restaurant recommendation or a new book to read.

I mean, honestly, like what can you expect sometimes? 

[00:14:21] Valerie: Yeah, actually I was talking to one guy in the app and he's like, what's your favorite restaurants in Houston? I'm like, blah, blah, blah. And he just gives me two Thai restaurants. So I'm like, okay, none of those are my on my list, but yeah. I try to be open-minded because ghosting is so, so common.

Yeah. I think I went on one date with a guy like that I thought was great. I'm also like, like foreigners, like Europeans a lot. I think there's because of my travels. I think also, cause what I was saying earlier, I'm not like attracted to the typical like, oh yeah. Hunting, fishing, beer, margarita, queso. Like I can't even.

So it's like, no, I don't really want to grab queso with you, sir. But What was I saying? 

[00:14:53] Roxxi: Have you ghosted? 

[00:14:57] Valerie: Like, okay. So how do we define ghosting, because is it like we meet in person because if you're talking on the app, I don't think that's ghosting and then you just lose interest.

I don't think because there's so many conversations ongoing, but if you like are talking and then you meet in person and then you never hear from them again. That it's like that's ghosting. I think I've only done it once, which honestly I'm pretty, I felt really bad about doing, but now it's like, if it's not, if I don't feel it, it sounds like I will be in it, but I'm not all like putting into it, like say, like, Hey, like I really enjoy getting to know you.

Like I just don't feel that romantic connection. I'm looking for something like that. And then they're like usually pretty understanding. One guy asked for feedback. I'm like, oh, I didn't know. This was like There's something, but I guess it is, but I'm like, no, like it just wasn't it wasn't you, it just, I just like I think I know intuitively like what I like and if there's a connection there.

So to answer your question only once, but I've been ghosted many, many, many times more than I care to remember or count or share. 

[00:15:51] Roxxi: I mean, that's considered a view to at least most of the times give them some type of resolution. Like, Hey, I wasn't feeling it goodbye forever. And it's not like just this like waiting game.

I would just hate that. Like just waiting, like, do you like me? Do you not like me? Like either way? No hurt feelings just tell me. 

[00:16:13] Valerie: It's, like I said, I've been there so many times and like hoping to hear from someone and like someone, one guy over. Around Halloween or whatever. I was talking to him, we talked for like three and a half weeks, which is almost a month.

And I'm like, okay, we were texting too. Cause I'll think a lot of guys will want to get you off the app, which is fair because there's so much like got to go through the app and then you have to go through all the competition. So that's like also strategy people use on both ends too. I've done it too. If I want the guy's number.

I'll ask for it. But we talked for almost a month and then I'm like, okay, like I don't need another pin pal. What are we doing here? So I'm like, Hey, well you want to meet up? He was like, yeah, like I was gonna ask you the same thing. And then we planned a date and then two days before and he ghosted me.

And like, okay, like what was, what was the purpose of, of this past month? If like, you didn't want to like meet me even. So, yeah, I think it's just, I think it's more considerate and most people don't do that as my mom, very strong woman said, she's like, well, ghosting is not new. It's been around forever. A guy will go out with you.

He would never call you again. It's just like, they're too much of a wienie to tell you how they really feel. 

[00:17:14] Roxxi: That's just so frustrating to me. Cause I feel like wouldn't, they feel better too, knowing that, okay, I've ended this like relationship or that any future possibility of this going forward. And then now I can focus on other girls.

I mean, I just think it makes more sense not to ghost and just like tell someone straight up, like, Hey, this is not going to work. 

[00:17:33] Valerie: Maybe we can ask your husband about how guys brains work. Cause I don't, I don't think I'll ever understand, but that's logical to me, but I mean, yeah. 

[00:17:41] Roxxi: I've been with my husband for 13 years now, so it's like, I have no idea about the current dating norms or practice it is, but it just sounds very silly to me and very vapid, like people can just disappear off the planet.

And it's like I thought we had a connection, like at least tell me if I was the only one feeling it or something, you know, I just feel bad for all my girlfriends out there that are still in this dating life. 

[00:18:10] Valerie: The struggle it's a part-time job. That's why I decided to go through a cycle of I'm like, I'm just, I'm tired of being ghosted.

Like it's, it's, it's tough when you, and that's like another girlfriend and she's single, too. When you like put your heart in a line and then you, you know, you feel rejected and stuff, and that's just part of the game, but I know relationships aren't easy either. And marriage for sure is not easy, but like I'm like super independent.

I like, I like my alone time and one guy was like texting. Like, I couldn't go, like he wouldn't respond back within like 30 seconds. I'm like, what's the. Calm down. And then he like text me all day. He said, do you not like, look at your phone? I'm like, do you not work? Like, I mean, you know, I, I'm not a huge texter really.

Like I prefer like, like you to connect with people in person or on the phone. And so but everyone's so different, but yeah, it is. Yeah, it is disheartening. When, like you think you have a connection with someone and maybe, you know, it's too, maybe you, you, you feel it, but they don't. And I mean, I think of the day you don't, I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me, but like to date someone for multiple months. And then like, just, I mean, I could feel it. I could feel it like, like breadcrumbing, like that's where they kind of like fade into ghosting, but like, and then just like stopped talking to yourself, responding to you that, to me, that's like, it's like a shitty thing to do. Like just, just, you know, tell me we dated for like over, you know, X amount of months.

Like just, just tell me it's not, it's fine. But like, just let me know. Cause like that, like yeah, that wondering like what's like what's happened. What did I do? It's tough. 

[00:19:30] Roxxi: Yeah. I think it's just better to save everybody's time and energy if you're just upfront. So guys and girls out there, if you're a, ghoster just, just say what you mean.

Like don't ask a girl on or a guy on for months and pretend like you're interested in. And then just disappear. Like at least don't they interested since the beginning, if you already knew you didn't like the person. And then to that one guy that you were honest about when you, when you ended it with him and he actually asked for feedback, like what, like where did he come from?

Like, can everyone be more like that? And at least be honest or, or yes. Ask, maybe ask for feedback and how you could improve, or just be honest and open communicate with people. Like, why is this so hard to do. 

[00:20:14] Valerie: I know people would like bash on social media, but they can't even tell someone who they've met in person.

And like that, like, they're just not that they hopefully cared about at one point. But yeah. So I was like, honestly, that guy that's all the other guys I've like, you know, told like, you know, no, thank you. They've been like understanding, but yeah, it's, it's really just put a definitive into it. It's it's a lot easier that way.

[00:20:34] Roxxi: Yes. I hope everyone can start moving toward that. Do better guys do better. 

[00:20:41] Valerie: I'm sure. I'm sure girls are like that too, but I don't know if like it's more common for guys to do it. I don't know. I haven't done a survey. I have to do some research on that, but... 

[00:20:50] Roxxi: Yes guys and girls, whoever you are, you know, it, you know. 

[00:20:54] Valerie: Oh, you are ghosting. Be a man or woman.

And just tell them how you really feel like it's fine. 

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So since I'm not aware because I'm not in the dating scene for over a decade, what is this

syndrome that you alluded to earlier

[00:21:41] Valerie: The shiny object syndrome. And it's, it's a sneaky little devil because there are so many, A) beautiful girls in Houston or on any city. And I'm really like potentially attracted bachelors. And so it's like, well, I have this one kind of like the, as like not the Goldilocks, but you know, the Price is Right. I don't know, you'd have this one object or not. That's a really bad term to describe women, but yeah, person and it's like, okay, well, this is good. But then meanwhile, you're talking to, you have access to hundreds of other people on this app. So it's like, oh, maybe I think the last guy, he was like, oh yeah, I want to marry you.

Like, what's your ring size? Here's some houses I want to buy for us. I'm like the third or second date. And I'm like, calm down cowboy. Right? And then he goes to me like a month later. And it's just like, once again. Yeah. I think guys get everyone from get really excited in the beginning, but once they, that fades and it's like, yes, I'm a person with like flaws.

And like, I, you may idealize someone when you see them on the app until you like really get to know them. You don't know them. And I think some in this case it's got like, kinda like fell in love with the idea of me, but then it's. You know, when they see, oh, well, I don't like the way she chews gum. I don't know that much, but like, you know, once they start to see the flaws, like they just hop on back on the app and find something they think is better where they don't realize is that, that person's going to have their own faults too.

And we're not, I mean, we're not nothing for anyone to complete me. I'm not like half of a person. We're two independent. Hopefully I'm independent. They are may or may not be two different people coming together. We're going to have differences. And so like, I think guys and girls, or I don't know, maybe guys just don't realize that the shiny object, the next fancy thing that, that they see isn't necessarily going to be better.

Cause they're just going to run into the same problem. But there is, yeah, there's shiny object syndrome. There's Coming bread crumbing which is kind of like, okay, like, you're like all the way to ghosting and kind of responding like less frequently and shorter and shorter texts. That's when I can feel it. And I'm like, okay, I've seen this, I've heard this song before.

And I didn't like the ending, you know what I mean? But like shout out Exile but, and then orbiters is like, and they like ghost you, but then, then I come back and they're like, 

[00:23:50] Roxxi: Oh, my God orbiters? Breadcrumbing?.

All these terminology, 

[00:23:56] Valerie: It's a whole new language Roxxi, like I could write a dictionary about it. 

[00:24:00] Roxxi: What are you, what are some other celestial terms other than orbiting? 

[00:24:04] Valerie: I think, those are the ones I use mostly. Orbiting , ghosting, gaslighting. That's a fun one where like, you're like, I've done that before. And I was like, I was dating this guy and I was like, I'm like, okay.

Like, you know, not to have the whole, "what are we" talk. But we were kind of getting like serious. So I'm like, you know, Well, Mike, are you interested in seeing anyone else? Like what's like, what, like, what is this? And he's like, what do you think? I I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. That's like making someone else feel like crazy or stupid for like something that's not gaslighting undermining catfishes.

When they say that they're not who they say they are on the app. 

[00:24:40] Roxxi: I wonder if the guy that goes to the, after a month of texting and then when they finally made plans to hang out and then he canceled last minute. I wonder if that person was a catfish. 

[00:24:52] Valerie: I don't know. I think no, I think he was just a bad person.

Not a bad person. Everyone's on a journey. Everyone's on a journey. And then he just like lost interest. I think you're giving too much credit. 

[00:25:02] Roxxi: Okay. There's some bigger conspiracy, but, or not, maybe. Oh man. Wow. 

[00:25:12] Valerie: Being a such a married 

person. Do you ever like miss dating or? I don't know. You happy and that kind of marital state? 

[00:25:18] Roxxi: We're like married A F like we're so married.

So it's been, I mean, we've been together for like 13 years. We met in high school. We've had ups and downs, for sure. Just like any other relationship. I don't believe there's like a perfect marriage. You know, that's not a thing, even if it's people. That look extremely happy and complete on social media.

Cause anyone can do that. Right? Anyone can pick the best photos and the best family portraits, but everyone has struggled with deep down. And it's kind of the reason why I wanted to have this podcast to kind of invite people, to share. What's underneath the surface and not just what we make ourselves look out to be in public, of course, because anyone can see that that's no mystery.

I can see how you act at work or where with friends that you want to have a certain demeanor or personality about you, but I would really want to get down to. The personal and those nuances and tough subjects to talk about. So yeah, it's been marriage is a journey and it's really difficult. It's like the hardest thing ever.

I'm not going to sugar coat it at all, but it's so worth it. And it's like, I feel like I had this realization that if the difference between dating and being married is: when you're dating, like you said, everyone has that initial spark, that shiny object syndrome where you're like, oh my God, this person's perfect.

They're beautiful. They're successful, whatever we get along. But then eventually you're going to find problems sooner or later, either in yourself or the person that you're dating. And these problems are not going to stop. They're going to keep coming, but when you're dating, it's easy to, I guess, ghost or break it off maturely, which is what I recommended and then going onto the next person.

But like, like you said, perfectly earlier that you're going to find a problem and that next shiny object also. And the difference with marriage is that. You're gonna find issues with your partner and you're you're with each other as a couple, you're gonna run into problems. But the only difference is that instead of choosing to move on to the next, you both choose to work on it together.

So it doesn't ever get easier. It doesn't, you just have to choose. You have to have the intention to choose, to stay and work on the problems with your partner. And it's the same with dating. You're going to find problems and whoever you're dating, no matter who it is, if you have the idea of, oh, the next person is going to be perfect, the next person is going to.

Maybe not perfect, but slightly better than the other person. And part of that is true, but you're always going to find issues and differences in whoever it is that you're pursuing, including your, the person you're married to. It's just, that's just how it is. People are not the same. Constantly. We're always changing.

People are always changing and growing and we're not stagnant people, so you're always going to run into issues, but marriage is just choosing to stay along for it. Basically. 

[00:28:33] Valerie: That's really a good way to put it. I know. I often wonder I'm like, what's harder dating your marriage. I think marriage is, I don't know, from what.

Like here. Do you ever get, just like I ask all my, like my couple of friends, this, like, do you ever just get like sick of being on the same person? Like 24 7? I mean, you both work and stuff. Like I feel like I would. Hmm. 

[00:28:52] Roxxi: I think you definitely need to have time aside aside for yourself, I don't believe in this dependency where you're just so co-dependent on each other that you're always with each other constantly, like you go to the store, they're with you.

They have to go somewhere, you drop them off and you pick them up and you're always together. That's lovely and all, but I do believe that there's you definitely need time because like you said, you're both individuals who are independent people that survive on their own regardless or not. If they have a partner.

So they still have to have interests and hobbies or jobs or friends that take that pressure off of what their partner can provide. And again, I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not an expert in marriage and we don't have a perfect marriage, but you are actively choosing to basically survive the wind with your partner.

And a lot of that goes to us having jobs. We work at different places. It's actually always been my dream dream for us to work together so we can carpool. And I think it would be so convenient, but there's other friends of mine that are like, oh God, no, I would hate to work with my partner. Like, like, you know, I'd rather, I'd rather work in different companies or different buildings.

But that time gives you that allowance to have to have that time away from your partner and to actually help you miss them. Because if you're constantly together, you've forget what it is like to miss that person. And if you're, especially if you're having a bad day with your partner or you had an argument, then work is actually an escape from that for you to not constantly be in a negative state either.

And then I'm all for having close friends. Like I've never been, I mean, I started dating my husband very young when we were in high school and I saw friends of mine that would get a boyfriend and then like drop all their friends. 

[00:30:52] Valerie: I've been on the inside, where I'm the friend dropped and it's not a good feeling.

[00:30:57] Roxxi: Yeah. Yeah. And I've never been the type to do that. I've always been like, well, if we're friends, we're always going to be friends unless like there's falling out or something, but I wouldn't just ignore my friends because I started dating someone like there's always room to. To keep your relationships with other people, even though you're meant you're starting a new one.

And I see some people doing that and it just doesn't sit well with me. And you don't want to do that because, but if it doesn't work out with the person that you're dating or that you're married to, and this person was a hundred percent of your life and everything, you've dedicated your time with. And what if it's something happens and it doesn't work out, then where are the other people that you could lean on?

So that's my biggest tip is don't ever drop your friends and your family and the people that have supported you in the past, just because you're trying to pursue a new relationship. And if that person is damaging to the close relationships you've built already, then maybe that's telling something too, and that's a red flag.

[00:32:00] Valerie: Yeah. You hear that everyone don't drop your friends. I know. I think that's really greatly stated in like, there's room for balanced and, and for everyone, I think maybe you spend need to spend less time with your friends, never to make room for this new relationship, but to completely drop them.

It's not cool, man. You got it, but I'm glad you're happy. And then that separation super that's great that you have that. I think that's super important too. 

[00:32:24] Roxxi: Yeah, that's true. And, but not so much where it's like long distance separation that it hasn't. Yeah, I haven't dealt with that. Luckily the longest we've been apart is like three months when I was back home in China and this was during high school too.

I was home for summer and I was gone for three months and that was rough. And I was like toward the beginning of our relationship. But ever since then it would just be maybe. Two or three weeks at a time, if one of us is working out of town or going on a solo trip. So I'm so fortunate that I haven't had to deal with that, but I have a lot of friends that are dating people in the military, for example, and they have no choice, but to be apart or if not move completely with them and completely uplift their whole life and job to move with the partner.

So that's a whole another. Issue and one I do not have experience with and I really feel very kindred and sorry for people that have to deal with long distance relationships. 

[00:33:25] Valerie: Yeah. I cannot, I never have been in one either. That just sounds so tough. So whoever's doing that. God bless you.

[00:33:33] Roxxi: Yes. So, oh, and then earlier you talked about your one friend that goes on lunch and dinner dates. And they never have to buy groceries. And I remember you asked me this question before, too, you were like, oh, we got coffee, but the guy didn't offer to pay for my coffee. And then you were like, is that okay?

And I'm like, I don't know. Have you gotten any more knowledge about what's the standard protocol about paying? 

[00:34:00] Valerie: Protocol? So we're 

gonna talk about Again, with a different guy. He didn't pay for my coffee and listen, I have a job. I do find I can pay for my own coffee. But if someone like is asking me out to me, it's like, They're asking you out to go to coffee.

And it's the gesture, I think, especially in the south and in Texas, like it's kind of tradition which I find it nice when a guy offers to pay. Like, I don't have a problem paying, but like, I just like the gesture, of course, I believe in, you know, equal and like, guys should not pay for everything all the time, but.

On a very first date. And I surveyed my, my guy friends and they were like, "what? He didn't pay?" So I think it's, I guess it's individual preference, but a lot of my guy friends agree that like, the guy should pay, like, at least on the first date. And that's why, I mean, it's a cup of coffee. It's not that, not that bad. And wait, what was your question?

I'm sorry. I just kinda.

[00:34:46] Roxxi: What is the protocol? Yeah. Expected now and what's accepted as far as girls and guys paying. I think if I asked them now, I mean like, no, like I'll, offer to pay sometimes I prefer it. If a guy would offer to pay, at least on the first date because I think it's the gesture but I think some girls, like my one friend

which I would never want that, like, you know, I would just want everything everything's equal, which is like, you know, fine. But think, I mean, if we get into relationship, it's going to be, I paid for this, you pay for that. So why don't I just pay, I don't know, but I think, I think it's not, there's no quote unquote protocol.

I think it's a really individual preference. But did not go on a second date with either of those two guys, so sad. No, the first guy. He actually, I mean, he was the one who catfished me on his age. He was a lot older than he said he was. I don't really want to go for like old, old guys no, it sounds really creepy.

Anyway, he, like, I was halfway through my, I got a tea not a coffee and he's like, okay, are you done? The date was like 45 minutes long. And then I was like, I'm like, I guess, so you've not had like half of my tea left. So clearly, I mean, I guess he just wanted to not waste anyone's time. So that was one abrupt ending.

But Yeah, I think it's just everyone's I guess everyone's different. If you can be someone else, they'll get a different, different perspective. Okay. But you wouldn't count it against them if they didn't offer to pay for the meal. 

[00:36:05] Valerie: On the first date? I would. Yeah. Personally, that's my personal preference.

[00:36:09] Roxxi: That's fair. I think that's one of those subjects where it really is not too agreed upon. 

[00:36:16] Valerie: So I think everyone's different. I think everyone is different. 

[00:36:23] Roxxi: But I understand a little more. Thanks for sharing your insight. Hopefully some of the viewers can also let us know comment or tweet us and let us know what you personally consider as acceptable.

[00:36:34] Valerie: I think also like money is such a sensitive topic for everyone. And I think it's like the root of a lot of marital issues too. I think it's like the most common, I think finances. Of course, it's going to depend on how much, just like when you get into a relationship, how much does he make? How much do you make, you know, what's your budgets, what's your lifestyle?

Like? I mean, if he has, if he does have like a much higher salary and he's willing and able to pay, like, you know, why not, but if, you know, the woman wants to pay, like whoever wants to pay should pay, basically. But I think it just when you kind of get into dating so much the conversation we need to have with them, I don't think one person should pay for everything.

No. So it doesn't seem right. 

[00:37:08] Roxxi: Yeah, definitely, there's some people that might want to like, oh, I should take care of everything. And I don't know why they would offer that or why the person would accept. But I also agree, like things should be mostly evenly split. It doesn't have to be like down to the penny, but for the most part, I feel like that ensures that you have the most fairness in the relationship.

[00:37:27] Valerie: I always have kind of like weird, like guilt. I don't know if that's the right word, like just weird. I don't know, differences. 

[00:37:34] Roxxi: Power struggles.

[00:37:36] Valerie: Exactly like, oh, well I paid for this. No one's ever said that to me, but I could see that happening. Like you know what I mean? So. 

[00:37:44] Roxxi: Yeah, well, I hope you've keep us updated on your dating journeys and you know, some good luck going forward, going forward your way.

This is your year. Everything's coming together, your life and you're building an empire and hopefully you find a partner that can compliment you. 

[00:38:03] Valerie: I am building an empire and 

thank you, Roxxi. Yeah, someone said that 2022 is the year for love. So I'm going to cross my fingers, but if not, it's okay. It's okay. So letting it go.

But yah just keep listening to your podcast. And then the other one, which I love listening to which is called... Can I say it? 

[00:38:19] Roxxi: Yes. Valerie is gonna hook everyone up with what she thinks will add some joy and benefit into your life. Go for it. 

[00:38:30] Valerie: So I think I introduced Roxxi to this podcast. It's called Just Breakup.

It's like a very popular podcast. Now it's about three years old. It's with Sam and Sierra. And should tag them for sure, but they're just like two people and they're just so genuine. And they both, they're both English majors. They always talk about that. And they do, they read these letters from people who are like, kind of struggling with relationships either like you know, romantic or even like friendship or family. And they kind of dissect about how to handle these struggles and then asking around professionals where two people getting like unsolicited relationship advice, but they really give good advice about like doing the head and heart work towards like healing.

And there's like seeing your partner in a different way and communication styles and I'd recommend everyone like listening to it. Everyone should listen to it. Start from the beginning or you can just jump in. Doesn't need to be sequential, but have you found a lot of answers or I guess or good things about listening to it.

[00:39:16] Roxxi: I really enjoy it. Yeah. I really I'm so glad you recommended me to that podcast. I personally recommend this to a lot of people as well. Usually my girlfriends that are telling me about their dating struggles or I'm like, you need to listen to this and then sometimes I don't do it. And I'm like, have you listened?

I told you to download it, listen to it while you're driving and they still don't listen. And I'm like, you are missing out. You need to listen to, but I love Sam and Sierra, they're two best friends. Yeah. They always talk about how they're English majors and Geminis, which is why they're the way they are.

And I just love what they stand for and what they do for the LGBTQ community. And they're just really hilarious people to listen to. So even though I'm married and they say on there too, that their relationship advice, it's more for, I guess like single people, but they do have some episodes where someone who's married writes in.

So they will try to give advice on that. One of them is married. The other one I think is

I haven't caught up in some of the episodes, but yeah, they're, they're actually, now they're both engaged. I guess when I started the episode they started the podcast, neither of them were and now they're both married. So they have some advice to offer even for married folks. So I, I encourage everyone pretty much to listen to it.

And I it's funny, they always joke that they have like all these female listeners, and then they have like 12 male listeners. I'm sure they have more males, I'm sure more. I'm sure they have more now, but yeah, they're just really entertaining to listen to. So 

[00:40:50] Valerie: And it's just like feel good too. It's like, you are enough, you are worthy.

It's like very like motivating, you know, even if you're like, you know, like, I don't think. I think like, you know, happiness is internal and you shouldn't like rely on a person to make you happy. And like, I think he, from hearing podcasts, a lot of unhappiness can like come out at some relationship. So I think like whether you're single or whether you're in a relationship that doesn't like dictate happiness.

So it's just like, it's given me a different perspectives. Like, just because like, oh yeah, I want a relationship. It's like, but do you know what that entails? So that's going to come with its own host of problems. So it's made me really like happy and grateful to be single in this stage of my life. 

[00:41:24] Roxxi: That's true.

That's definitely true. Sometimes you don't want a relationship. You might think you want it, but do you really? Everything that it entails. Yeah. And I just love how every episode is focused on a real person's letter. So you're actually getting down with other people's problems. OPP. You're actually listening to other people's problems.

So that can be kind of like what's the word when you it's like, yeah, I guess therapeutic and not nostalgic. What's the word I'm thinking of? Like it resonates with you or yes. 

[00:41:58] Valerie: Well I'll while you think I'll just say, yeah. The other thing, even if it's doesn't sound like, I mean, the circumstances are pretty, pretty odd, but I think you can relate not odd.

They're very specific. And even if you don't, you're not in that certain specific position or situation, there's still a good takeaway. I think that you can get from it because they spend like 20 minutes on each letter. They really get into it. So. There's always like some nuggets of information that I'd pick up.

See, I don't know which word you were thinking of. 

[00:42:22] Roxxi: I thought 

of it. It's cathartic. Here we go. There we go. But it rhymes with it, not an English major. But yeah. Sometimes they can be cathartic just listening to other people that have issues similar to yours. Even if you don't get the exact answer you're wanting. But yeah.

Thanks for recommending that hook you up to everyone, Val. 

[00:42:47] Valerie: Yeah. Thanks for asking me to come on here and talk about my woes and stuff. 

[00:42:51] Roxxi: It was a blast. You're welcome back anytime. 

[00:42:54] Valerie: Awesome thanks. Oh yeah. My Instagram is Valerie underscore Della underscore Longa. We can chat more on there, but yeah.

So nice. Thank you again for having me Roxxi and hopefully really happy in your marriage and your life and your podcast and everything else. 

[00:43:08] Roxxi: Thanks so much. I always feel supported by you. I hope you have a great rest of 2020. 

[00:43:14] Valerie: Yes, ma'am you too. Alright. Talk to you later. 

[00:43:18] Roxxi: Bye! Thanks for listening. You can now drop me a voicemail that might be aired in a future episode.

You'll find the link in my Twitter and Instagram bios at M F M P pod. Subscribe to my YouTube channel by searching many faces, many places all in one word. Lastly, make sure tap the follow button on your favorite podcasting app to stay tuned for new episodes.